ONE LAST THING, I SHOULD have told the last person this but, I don't belong to any religous faction, like the apostles I am just an ordinary guy trying to understand the Bible myself, I am giving you advice. Stop going to church for a while, pray to GOD that he will give you his wisdom, and read the Bible and determine its symbolic meanings yourself. As a Christian you can discover the countless meanings through your own thinking and reading of the texts. Besides the apostles used to argue with each other all the time they never truly agreed on much, but the only thing JESUS wants you to do is believe in him, believe in GOD, and believe in yourself. And try your best, to be your best in life. We all stumble sometimes we just need to get backup, and try again.